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My Four Passover Questions

1. How do I turn charoset (my favorite item to eat during passover) into an acceptable dish at the table. In other words, when I get a bowl of matzo ball soup, can I get a full bowl of charoset right next to it?

2. Why is searching for the afikoman a pastime that only children participate in?

3. Is Pesach more fun if you have Manishevitz instead of grape juice?

4. Are we required to watch the Ten Commandments starring Charlton Heston every year?

Answers:

1. Charoset is typically a mix of apples, nuts, grape juice, cinnamon and other ingredients you can use based on your own personal preferences. Its color and texture are meant to remind us of the mortar with which the Israelites bonded bricks together when they were slaves in Egypt. Nowadays, its more of a side dish at the Seder table (usually meant to be eaten with matzah) and will probably never be acceptable to eat as a dish in its own right. So, how do I turn charoset into an acceptable meal on its own? Answer: I don’t. Pretty much I tell my Aunt Lainie (who makes it better than I can) that everyone loves it and to make a lot. Then, I gladly offer to put the ample leftovers in Tupperware and later hide it behind the salad in the fridge where no one will see it when packing plates of food to go or looking for a midnight snack. The next day I take the Tupperware to work and enjoy my charoset as a meal in it of itself, among my gentile coworkers. They may ask me what it is, but they don’t know enough about Pesach to judge and they certainly don’t ask me to share.

2. The afikomen is a piece of matzah which is hidden before the Seder begins and searched for once the meal is over. Finding the afikomen usually results in some sort of prize, normally a monetary reward aka 5 bucks! Now I know I have a job, but I'm certainly not rolling in dough. So why can’t I partake in this tradition anymore? Why do the kids, who are still too young to identify what it feels like to be broke, get first dibs? Why do only the children participate? Answer: because the adults hosting the Seder are bitter that they don’t get to join in anymore either. They are the ones shelling out the big bucks, and you can bet they’d have no problem looking like an idiot searching for a tasteless, unleavened cracker if it meant they could make some quick cash. Alas, if they cannot play, they must punish the young at heart, soon to be 23 year old who wishes she could still take part.

3. The Press girls may never know the answer to this one. Let’s be honest, the relationship between my previously hippy dad and islander mom possibly (read: most likely) originated from a lifestyle including a liberal use of alcohol. As a result, both parents haven’t had much to drink in the past two decades. My mom has had a glass of wine here and there and my dad has been completely sober for more than 17 years (very proud of him. Apparently he used to be an alcoholic; I was too young to remember.) As a result, our Seders are usually sans wine. Maybe the Manicheviz would come in handy if I were forced to sit through a long, drawn out Seder, but luckily for me our Seders are kid-friendly and concise. We hit the main parts of the haggadah, say some prayers, and sing a few “songs” (I put the words songs in quotes because it’s really just ten rounds of Dayenu followed by my dad’s slightly deafening personal rendition of ‘Go Down Moses- Let My People Go’) So, is Pesach more fun if you have Manishevitz instead of grape juice? I don’t know and I don’t really care. The Press’ have fun Passovers no matter what. It’s my favorite holiday!

4. The answer is a resounding “NO!” Good lord that is a long movie. I remember when I was younger it had to go onto two VHS tapes. The only other VHS movie I had that was split into two tapes was The Sound of Music. And the second half of Sound of Music, after intermission, is boring anyhow – they’ve already done all the good songs, so you shouldn’t even bother with the second tape (‘Climb Ev’ry Mountain’ hahaha). I digress, sorry, that has nothing to do with this topic… although that movie was full of Nazis. Anyway, back to Ten Commandments. While Charlton Heston parting the sea was memorable and I think it’s funny that Yul Brynner played Pharaoh (think King and I – I just really like musicals), this movie is toooooooo long to add to an already lengthy Seder where most guests are just eager to get to the meal portion of the night already. We used to keep it on in the background, but we’ve managed to phase it out over the years. I think it was a good move.

Pesach Shout Outs to: Honorary Jews - Jessa and Kate, you missed out on quality matzo ball soup. Optically Onion Intolerant Laurel, the house still smells like latkes, so you may want to steer clear. And Sara – the horseradish we had to buy a year ago is still here, thank god. We put it on the seder plate…I don’t think anyone even touched it. Hopefully there are many more Passovers to come and you’ll all be able to join us again. L’Chaim.